It's been 10 days since I've been here. Here being this blog, an ethereal place that can be anywhere now thanks to satellites. I've been here 5 years, here is Athens, first state-sponsored (socialism) center of learning. Named for that ancient, classic city of learning and open-thought. Where Paul conversed with religious men who wanted to honor even that which they were ignorant of. I've been here way too often in my short-life, and shorter-career.
Here is a place of fear and self-doubt that I'm "not supposed to be." What? Just because I'm training to work with the Church and for The King, why can't I be frustrated in my faith. Just because I'm "leading" people I can't have a moments doubt of what direction I'm going. Why am I not entitled to the same emotions and feelings everyone else has. People complain about clergy not knowing what it's like to live in this world. Where do we live, Mars? It seems some people believe the "church men" live on that red planet named for an imaginary warrior. Wouldn't my fears make you feel better now that I'm more like you? No!? People want someone who will kick against the goad with their face to the wind, screaming into the night with fearless bravery. Let me tell you, fear begets courage. Courage, bravery, reckless abandon: these are all words to describe fear that has been choked down into the gut where it rest in a bitter pit. It is ever present and ever painful. And, we are called to accept this because by it we remember the One who was afraid and followed through anyways.
This is picking up in the middle of the story and in the middle of a conversation I'm having with myself. So let's begin with the current story.
Before school resumed I had lunch with a student. He had posted on his Facebook page how much he hated Christians, Christianity, and church. OK, a lot of people hate church, fine. Join the rest of everyone, your not the first. Christianity is a bit of a stretch, in its form as "church," ok, that's just a repetition of the latter, as a moral system, maybe if you hate love. Christians though? Which ones? The televangelists, politicos, talking heads and hate-mongering sign-waving wack jobs? Me too. Or, the family that has loved you for the past two years and has desperately tried to connect to your life so that you won't have to endure alone? Because if you hate them, we have a problem, because you hate me, and I don't hate you. So we ate at the lovely Christian chicken cafe of the south. I thought it was ironic, but he didn't seem to notice. We conversed for a while and then I finally blurted out why I asked him to lunch. (I'm not good at beating around the bush.) He asked me if I wanted the answer he was giving or the truth. Well, that's not a good way to start a discussion. The answer was he was tired of the dogma. (Ok, time out. What do you think dogma is?) He defined dogma as the way people acted in church about stuff. That's not dogma, but I wasn't here to argue vocabulary. The truth, he then told me, was that he was homosexual, gay, other words that are synonyms. Wow, I haven't had a gay friend who wasn't a known homosexual when I met them, this was new. I told him I wasn't going to judge him or "straighten" him out, but others won't be so graceful. We left that table both carrying a secret that ticked like a bomb. Funny thing is, he still comes to our ministry now and again to maintatain relationships (remember that word).
Yesterday, he posted to his wall he was in a relationship with a guy in Maine. This elicited comments of "hmmmmm...", and "interesting." Also, his religious views have changed to "would you be willing to risk a relationship for them." "Them" being the religious views of the reader. What does this mean? Am I willing to talk to you even though you may violate some of my beliefs? If I did that I would be a lonley man with no friends who couldn't keep himself company. Or will I compromise my beliefs in order to remain you friend.
There are very few hills I will stake a flag and die upon. I may stake a flag, bellow, and fire artillery from one hill, but I will not die on it. But, with my religious views (terrible phrase, I'll post on that later), I will never give, because a Man died on hill for me. So, Kyle S. if following Christ and living for the King mean we cannot be friends, I'm sorry. I did not draw that line. If I am wrong and you still want to be a friend with differences between us, I want to be your friend.
And to the church-haters. The church sucks, we screwed up, I'm sorry. We do have moments where we try to help and they are often forgotten.
Acknowledge those hidden
namaste
vaya con Dios
My Blog Has Moved!
8 months ago
Corrections
ReplyDelete- I am friends with many of the people around the GCSC and try to maintain normal relationships with them....but it seems so hard to when they have doctrines and dogmatic anti-sympathies...esp when they hold secretive antigay prayer sessions and such...
- I did not define dogma as the way people acted in church about stuff but in fact about the religious beliefs one has within a religion that cause them to act a certain way.
- I'm in a relationship with a guy in Athens, I once said (about 4 months prior) that I met someone online from maine that I could see myself dating, My religious status which stated would you be willing to risk a friend over them had been up for some time before this.
- I mean it as if your religious beliefs make my life hell and step on my feet constantly in an unnecessary fashion...then why do you believe them...my understanding was that jesus loved everyone...and is a MAJOR part of the religion. He didn't make people suffer constantly for something that has social, psychological, and even more recenctly physiological evidence toward it not being a choice simply because they didn't want to live miserable turtle-shell lives.
- Often trying to help is what screws things up the most...if only people would think before they act...look before they leap perhaps (Aesop's Fables anyone...?)
- Lastly...actions speak louder than words...but when people say they are cool with something and then do the complete and opposing action(prayerdivo maybe...cough)...they are going against everything they project with their facade. So...although I've been saying I won't go to church anymore...all this has shown me that it's fairly obvious that I'm not wanted because people are willing to tear up a relationship over something so silly as this and will not go to any church functions or see any church people on the church premise...why?...well it's obvious that you all hate "fags"...and so I'll do exactely what you want and expect me to do...I'm throwing away all my religious convictions and beliefs entirely (as you expect me to) because it doen't matter what I believe....I'll still be treated like crap...there is no deus ex machina for me at the end of the bullocks rainbow...The End...
Thought your comment was a little bit narcissistic (Greek myth). One if you had been around since that conversation you will have noticed in at least my language and those around me that "Gay" jokes and comments have ceased because it has become much more real to me the pain that can cause. Also the word "Fags," I've been called that it sucked decided to never use it since about elementary school, its demeaning and I can't believe anyone has heard me use that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, love can only be shown by presence. After you left, I had no opportunity to interact except when you came around randomly. As far as this love, you have seen what I say and what I do. You walked in on a conversation with my brother and I that had nothing to do with you, yet you stayed and listened.
I am not willing to tear up relationships over silly things (though it has happened). I do not however consider relationships silly things, I am in one of my own and to take it for granted would be cheating my partner of the respect and devotion she deserves.
My spiritual acts (teaching, serving, hanging out, worshipping, loving) are not intended to make anyone's life hell, as you put it. Ask anyone my stance and homosexual rights and they will tell you they don't line up with mainstream Christianity. My record shows me vehemently opposing Prop 8 and Question 1 and my brothers post on Gay Marriage is closely aligned with mine.
As far a spiritual personal convictions, I too have dealt with sexual issues, some not so distant from yours. Ask ten Christians what they feel about the homosexual question and you get at least 12 answers as they backpedal and think around it. I have come down and made a decision about what I believe. I follow the example of Jesus, did He approve of drunken revelries and materialism? No! Did He dine at the table with the very people He would call out. Absolutely. Did He speak forcefully to the established religious community about intolerance of the different, oppressed, sinful, and undesirable? You better believe it.
Finally, was there a prayer time held close when all the proverbial feces slammed into a spinning fan. Yes. The subject: A once vibrant group of shepherds was being plagued by personal problems that cut its number almost in half. Members of CV who have never dealt with these situations do not now how to handle it in love. Five members were dealing with the imminent or current death of loved ones. The GCSC was entering into a year with three men at the helm who had never done there jobs before. There was a lot more to pray about than you. Also, I have been true to the promise I made you. I never once have tried to "straighten" you out. You have remained in my prayers as one who is not around. Please be patient with those who try deal with an issue in only a few short months that you have been dealing with for most of your life.
P.S. I do care what you believe, it is "a ladder to climb to the stars." (Steinbeck, East of Eden)